Read a mini series of personal story from ex volunteer of AUM association Roxana Lichinteanu.
In March 2020 Corona locked down our city. It was such a unfair moment because we were ready to go in school for our second workshop. We were so excited. Our first workshop was such a big succes and we could not wait to go for the next one.
In spite of all Covid situation I felt as being blessed for being here, with good people in a safe environment, with supportive coordinators.
Ready for challenges
Even if this situation with Covid wasn’t such a happy moment, I really believe that this situation gave me the opportunity to know myself better and to learn to let people in. After so many years of being occupied all the time with doing something (working/studying), I got time to enjoy life, to connect with people that inspired me to love myself. Finishing a master in Economy, I was sure that I’m ready to meet the challenges that life could give me. I was proud of myself for having an education, until I realised that I had so many things to learn about myself, about me in interaction with others, about accepting myself and being able to surrender to everything that life can give me.
I felt something growing in me that was strong and real.
I spent so much time looking to understand others, to understand so many economical theories or other subjects related to, but I’ve never thought about understanding myself. It came a point in my life, in April 2020, when I could see that I was feeling something. It was scared, in pain and confused. I was having panick attacks and sleeping problems.
I was not able to let people in. I felt that they want to hurt me, that they had bad intentions.
War inside me
I started to isolate myself and to talk with myself more. It was not easy and I felt as a small child. A hurt child who was looking for his mother/father to get her/his protection. I was always thinking/feeling that something is wrong with me, that I’m disturbing people. I was scared. I went home for one week, after 3 months of not seeing my family. I remember that I could not talk with them, something inside of me was disturbed. I even got a psycholog because me and my mom thought that it will be a good idea. I could not understand what was with me so I looked outside for help.
„Not until we are completly lost or turned around ... do we begin to find ourselves.” Henry David Thoreau
I gave up after two session and that because I realised I’ve inside a war. A broken heart war. I stopped, I breathed and I said `F**k IT!`. I threw all my three journals, the journals that had informations about my life from 2010 till 2020. Next day I regretted it, but it was too late, my journals were cutted in pieces and in the big garbage bin. After one month of not writting in any journal, in July I bought a new one and I start writting again. I started interacting with more people and I tried to understand my feelings. I start to express my feelings easily and to listen other person’s voices. I started to listen my own inner voice.
„Calm seas may bring you peace, but storms are where you’ll find your power.”
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